FOR WHOM THE BELL RANG 31 TIMES (Reader's blogs from Plankton Soup - Strange Ingredients, by Grant Sutton

READER’S BLOG

 

How much longer will the authorities wait before taking action against this kind of thing?

 

There’s nothing wrong with selling unwanted items in the newspaper.  Apart from making money on which you pay no tax.

 

I was referring to Suttons writing!  It’s abysmal!

 

Well, if it leads to the arrest of habitual tax evaders I’m all for it.

 

I would not feel comfortable having sex with Clint Eastwood, what with his intense gaze and gritty voice. And we don’t have sugar in our house, only saccharin.

 

How much do they want for the caravan?  I need somewhere to keep my chickens.

 

Clint Eastwood?  Weird!  Last week I was importuned by a tramp in an alleyway behind the betting shop.  Guess what? His name was Dirty Harry too!

 

MEET AND TWO VEG (Reader's blogs from Plankton Soup-Strange Ingredients)

READER’S BLOG

 

Sutton has made a prick of himself again!  A pumpkin is not a vegetable.  It is in fact a fruit, or to be more exact, a pepo.

 

Sutton is a cabbage!

 

Scientists should keep their noses out of food classification.  I would serve pumpkin as a side dish with spicy chicken, but never, I repeat, never with custard.  Therefore it is a vegetable.

 

Yeah, and Jaffa Cakes are biscuits!

 

Wait a minute, wait a minute! She had sex with a pumpkin?  How the fuck…?

 

WATCHING PAINT DRY (From Plankton Soup - Strange Ingredients by Grant Sutton)

READER’S BLOG

 

He should shout for help at the top of his voice.  I expect he will have opened the window to allow for sufficient ventilation whilst using paint, as prescribed in most health and safety manuals.  That’s probably how the bee got in.

 

Shouting loudly can be quite exhausting and may conspire to hasten his demise.

 

If he times it right it will be more effective.  For example, when the milkman comes.

 

If the owners have gone on holiday they will have cancelled the milk delivery.

 

What’s the problem?  If the tingling in his arms is a sign of returning circulation, it is only a matter of time before he can drag himself worm-like to the door and make good his escape.  He should have developed good upper body strength from fixing leaky taps and painting shelves.

 

I would describe his movement more akin to a butterfly dragging itself out of a chrysalis rather than a worm’s longitudinal muscle contraction.  And the act of escaping a newly painted room could be compared to that of emerging from the cocoon.

 

I’m sorry to say that the tingling probably signifies a restriction of blood flow due to his back injury. I suspect that before long gangrene will set in and he will feel obliged to self-amputate both arms using the paint scraper he claims to own.  Like in that movie 127 hours.  He may even have to drink his own urine.

 

Davy Jones?  Wasn’t he in the sixties band “The Monkees?”

 

Weird!  Last week I met a guy in a gloomy basement underneath a house in Germany.  Guess what?  He said “Ich bin Dave.  Schpanken sie mein monci.”  Then things got really weird and I had to escape by pretending to have a rare fungal infection that required immediate treatment.

 

 

WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN (Reader's blog from the book Plankton Soup - Strange Ingredients)

READER’S BLOG

 

Chips are not worth dying for.  Any chip shop proprietor worth his salt (and vinegar) should have sufficient chips ready-cooked before he opens the door to the gun-toting public.

 

I’m sure the body language of the hooligan would have indicated his reluctance to wait ten minutes for chips.  In this case I would have offered him some batter bits or a small sausage to distract him.  This would also give the SWAT team an opportunity to take up tactical positions around the shop and maybe disarm the hooligan before he realised his predicament.

 

Dude, you’re good!  Maybe you should have written the story.  What else have you got?

 

Well, I thought maybe the SWAT team could arrest the hooligan, but on the way to the police station he uses the handcuffs to strangle the driver when they stop to get donuts.  But actually he doesn’t escape; he walks into the same fast food joint as the SWAT team and asks for french fries. He then replies yes when asked if he wants to ‘go large’.

 

O…kaaay.

 

Then, in prison, the irony is that he is given work duty in the kitchens, peeling potatoes for chips.  This puts him off chips forever.  But later in life he is shot during a drugs raid and the police find out he’s been dealing nothing more than dehydrated mashed potato.

 

Bring back Sutton, all is forgiven!

 

But Sutton is out of control!

 

On the contrary.  He is emulating the author of American Psycho.

 

 Talking of Americans, Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull defeated General Custer in Little Big Horn.  Crazy Horse was also the name of Neil Young’s band years ago (Although I much preferred Bob Dylan).  The Mormon family “Osmond” had a hit with Crazy Horses in 1972.

 

Bob Dylan?  Weird!  Last week I met a Welsh guy in a secluded lay-by on the A49, and guess what?  His first name was Dylan too!  And he paid a few “bob” extra for services rendered.

 

Sutton has missed an opportunity here.  He could have made a joke about Dylan having a little (or big) horn!

 

The Welsh are internationally renowned to have small penises due to adverse climatic conditions and poor diet, so it is a moot point.

 

As a self-confessed Welshman, I blame the state of my two penises on the acid rain from the Chernobyl explosion.

 

THE JIVE TALKIN' TURKEY (PLANKTON SOUP-STRANGE INGREDIENTS)

READER’S BLOG

 

Dear, oh dear, Sutton appears misinformed again.  Pocahontas was Mohawk or Iroquois from the North East region, so it is more likely that Railroad Sam would be referring to an old APACHE or NAVAJO squaw’s titties, as those tribes were based in the South.

 

Yes and the harsh, arid conditions of the deserts in the South would have had a more adverse effect on their hooters as opposed to living in the more temperate North.

 

Chuck Norris isn’t so tough.  Bruce Lee kicked his ass around the Coliseum in that movie and Bruce weighed only four and a half stones in his prime.

 

Sutton’s colloquialisms are all over the place.  He has mixed Harlem street slang with Texas drawl.  He is either a bit stupid or very, very clever.

 

How can a dog sew buttons?  It has no opposable thumbs.

 

Maybe it had one of those machines.  Especially useful for hems and seam-work. 

 

Bruce Lee could do press-ups with his chin!

 

Be that as it may, but he had no embroidery skills worthy of note.  And he never owned a thimble.

 

Chuck Norris?  Weird!  Last week, by prior arrangement, I met a guy behind some dustbins on an industrial estate in the early hours of the morning.  Guess what?  His first name was Norris!  Even weirder than that, as he handed over the agreed fee, he said in a Northern accent, “There you go, chuck.”